free at last

M is out of jail. it feels like it's been years. for the past 5 months, every time i thought about him, my eyes would tear up. i imagined the worst, maybe because i have an idea what happens to people in an iranian prison. i imagined him being tormented and humiliated. i imagined countless sleepless nights, bad food and terrible light. i had many nightmares; i was worried. but somehow, in every picture i had in my head, he was always standing tall. he was standing strong, and mocking the interrogators by his calmness, by his piercing looks. i knew that he is in peace, and proud of himself. i can't help but to feel respect and admiration for him. i have always felt that way about him.

if not for people like him, iran would be a lot scarier right now.

grief

i wonder if grief is the same for everyone. i forget about my dad's passing a lot of times. it has been 45 days and it is easier than it was before. but even then, even when i went home for the funeral, i forgot about it every now and then. i would wake up in the morning, thinking about so many other things. and then it would hit me. as if for the first time: he was gone. gone. just like that.

i don't know how i am dealing with this. i am doing ok, i work, i play, i go out, i love people, and i plan for the future. but i feel like there is a hole somewhere. like when you warm up your apartment but you feel a draft that you can't find where it is coming from. i feel like i have lost some of my balance, some of my support, a part of me, a part of my strength, my sanity...

i don't want to think about it. i do all i can not to think about it. i watch all the stupid tv shows, i do not look at the old pictures, i exhaust myself at work... i don't let my mind wander. i hardly want to write about it. but my mind is not being deceived. i have dreams. i have all sorts of dreams about him, all the time. the harder i try not to think about it, the more frequently the dreams occur. there are good dreams and bad dreams. there are sad ones and happy ones. but there are there.

i can't control the dreams. sometimes i don't even want to. they are my connection to a world with him. a world that doesn't exist when i am awake. the world that will never exist. and i miss that future. i miss all of what is not going to ever happen.

i miss my dad.

dream

I had a dream about my dad last night. I was back home, we were just hanging out, but we were hugging each other. My dad’s friend was there too. He said “I don’t know about you living in New York and stuff. I think you should come back and spend some times with him. My dad was just standing there looking at him with those kind affectionate eyes. He had a faint smile; that sad smile of his. He was happy to see me happy and he was sad that I was so far away.

I felt like something dragged me out of his arms and I woke up sobbing. He was so close, he was right there. I could feel him, smell his body.

I guess this is the closest I could get to him ever again.

The thing in my throat hurts. It hurts so bad.

I can't write about it yet. I just can't. I will need a day to write about it. I don't have a day and the strength to do it now.

i do write down bits and pieces when i can, but i can't write about it just yet. as if it becomes more real if i do.

i will write about it soon, one day.

driving. in jersey.

i've always liked driving. driving in cities or on highways, it doesn't matter. I enjoy them all the same. Except when it's too much traffic of course and I am driving a stick. but that doesn't happen often, not in the states at least. this past saturday, though, i had one of the least pleasant driving experiences ever.

i was going to south jersey to hang out on the shore for two days. i went down to new brunswick friday night and had a nice time with my friends from rutgers. the next morning I picked up a nice nissan centra, which I was pleased with it's acceleration and smoothness, in addition to the fact that it was $45/day cheaper than if i had oicked up the are in manhattan . since i have no sense of direction and have forgotten to print out directions or pick up a map, i decided to get a gps to help me navigate. i was going to head down the garden state parkway but the gps was giving me really weird back-road directions. i followed the directions for 10 minutes which led me to all the wrong roads. there was construction going on and the police had closed a couple of streets, so I had to use my memory from where i lived in central jersey to navigate to the highway. it was rainy and dark and foggy too. perfect beach day...

once i was on the highway i decided to look up the google directions on my blackberry and choose the easiest route. bad idea...i decided that he gps system is the shittiest technology i have had to deal with in a long while. and the google directions were even more weird cause it was directing me to I95 which was completely out of my way at that point. the navigation signs in jersey were not helping me a bit.

long story short, it took me 3.5 hours for the route that should have taken me about 2 hours and 20 minutes. and that momentarily ruined my desire for driving. so today, on my way back, I didn't follow the gps, or google directions. i just asked people, and it was awesome. i made it back to new brunswick in less than 2.5 hours and i really enjoyed my ride. i feel a little closer to my dad, who refuses to use technology a lot of times.

an over-thinker's morning thoughts

i get to a point that i'm so mad at him that i just want to ignore him. i think about him vanishing from the picture and that doesn't bother me. i have all these imaginary discussions with him. i want him to be happy, but should i just give up? i mean i love him more than i think i do, but i am also resentful. he makes me feel so helpless that i just want to forget about him.

then again, feeling helpless is even worse that feeling nothing. it's destructive. i mean i can't make him happy, so by making myself unhappy i am just adding one unhappy person to this world. it's stupid. but i can't help it, it's unconscious. i have dreams of talking to him and seeing him happy and lively, and then i have dreams of him being so desperate and pitiful.

i know i think in circle sometimes and i know i always over think. but i really want him to be happy. why can't i make him happy? he is such a smart and good-hearted man. i wish he lived a happy life.

freinds are not forever...

i miss N. it's not like i miss her so much that i want to see her right now...no, i miss her being my friend. we are not unfriendly, but we are not really friends anymore. obviously living in two different countries doesn't help. but that's not all. Sh and I are still good friends even though i didn't see her for 5 years. we are close; we click the second we see each other, we have things to say to each other; we talk about our feelings, things that happened to us, our plans, our insecurities, people around us, the past, the future...we are close, even though we don't really communicate all that much. the last time i saw her, she was still my best friend.



not the same with N; we grew up together, we spent numerous days and nights playing, camping, hanging out...we spent many many hours together, and we did feel close. i am sure at some point we were best friends. but for the past few years we were not. it started right before i moved out of the country, and went on... it was probably my fault, i was being too harsh on her at one point, maybe too judgemental...but i really wanted the best for her. it was my intention to protect her; it was obvious to me that she was making a mistake that will have a big impact on her life. i wanted the best for her, but i didn't know how to convey that.

it is never a good idea to try to tell people that they are making a mistake, or to tell them what they should do; they will never listen and you will never become a hero. at best, you hurt their feelings and they get over it. at worst, they never get over it and you lose a friend.

but i wonder if i should withhold my opinion about something my best friend is doing. should i hide what i think? maybe...but i'm not sure if that's what i want to do. if i was doing something wrong, i would appreciate people telling me so. but there should exist a middle ground. i guess in the end, every one should be able to do what they want to do. and in the end, i should be good enough of a friend to respect their decision. i just wish i was not so self righteous, and they were not so sensitive. i can't afford to lose my friends to my being opiniated...


still, some friends are forever...