rants...

i wonder why i don't write anymore. sometimes i have a lot to say, but i don't know how to say them, or where to start.

tonight i am sitting here, studying for an exam. i just had a class in entertainment and media and we talked about psychology of markets. about how media companies are so sensitive to fads in the market and how markets are so irrational.

sometimes i think about very shallow things, like how insecure i am about the fact that i am getting old, and my clothes are tighter than before.

sometimes i think about life and how perfect life has turned out for me. and then i miss my dad, because if my dad was alive and happy, life would have been even more perfect. and if i lived closer to my mom and sister whom i miss terribly every time i enjoy a german beer.

i especially miss my mom. the thought of her getting old and fragile frightens me. the thought of her dying...well, i do not want to imagine that. but i want to be close to her. close enough that i can see her on a whim, for an afternoon tea, which is a very civilized thing as my new friend, an old guy from the upper west side would say.

the weather is nice in brooklyn, and my room is warm and sunny. i open the curtains to let the sun in every morning and the rays of light add to my fragile happiness.

night is beautiful too. the walk from the subway in the empty streets, sometimes accompanied by the sound of the wind, sometimes by verdi. i like the night. i like feeling like i am protected from the bright harsh reality of the day. from all that noise, all that bore of the outside world.

i am living my 30s to the fullest. or am i?

spain

just got back from spain, after two weeks of vacationing. i am well-fed (read fatter), tanned and very relaxed. i don't know if i am ready for real life yet, but it certainly was a good time. we arrived in tossa del mar, which was a beautiful if expensive beach town. the mediterranean is surprisingly blue, and very cold this time of the year. the first day on the beach i forgot sun lotion, so my skin was completely sun-burnt, so i was pealing for the rest of the trip. but the sun was very pleasant, especially after the rainy and gloomy spring of new york city.

the second stop was barcelona. cosmopolitan, yet relaxed, barcelona has good food, beautiful women, a picturesque sky and a lot of gaudi. gaudi was simply everywhere. i enjoyed the museums, small cafes, and walking around looking at the buildings. it was also nice that my school friends were in the city to hang out with us. we partied until 3 am one night, and still showed up at the train station at 8:30 am to catch a train to figueres just for the dali museum. the town is about 2.5 hrs from barcelona, so that took a lot of dedication, and was well worth it.

the highlight of the city might have been the Barcelona-MU game. we saw the game at a "exclusive" bar, tucked away from the craziness of the city. the bar was run like a co-op and only members and their guests were present that night. a large unpretentious space with minimal furniture and cheap drinks, the bar was a perfect place to see the match with some very excited fans. and then barcelona won, so we took to the streets. the celebrations were more like riots . it reminded me of the riots in iran, when the students were protesting and were getting attacked by the police. it was weird to think that this is happening after a football match, but i guess the spanish are going through some tough times of their own.

the next day we flew to Seville. if someone asked me what i think spain would be like, i would probably describe Seville. the town was absolutely spanish. the yellow buildings with cute balconies and narrow windy streets were mesmerizing. and the tapas was to die for. the best part: you didn't have to choose what item on the menu to order, you could have ordered them all. they were only 2 euros for god's sake!

granada and madrid were fun too. al hambra was truly remarkable, and the city views from the hill where the mosque was located on were breath-taking. seeing picasso's guernica was probably the highlight of madrid. although, we had some good meals there too.

coming home from such a wonderful vacation is not that exciting. but it is nice to be back home too.

die walkure

i saw die walkure today in the cinema. i usually go to the met opera but today the performance was sold out. i also wanted to experience the opera in HD. so i went to the cinema. die walkure is by far one of my most favorite operas. definitely in top 5. i have seen two different productions at the met and i liked them both. but the movie experience was just great. first, the tenor was really really good. he was handsome, good acting, good volume and i think he sang really well. the soprano was really good too, and the chemistry of Siegmund and Sieglinde was so overwhelming on the stage. it was by far one of my most romantic theatrical experiences. i loved the acting, the music was marvelous and walkure is such a dramatic and romantic piece. i was sitting there thinking this scene makes me want to fall in love all over again. makes me want to experience the excitement and joy of young love, makes me wanna embrace someone that hard.

wagner rocks my world. i love the ring cycle. so naturally i was thinking about going to Bayreuth once for the festival. i checked the website and there is a 7-10 year wait for the festival....yeah, so that's not happening soon. but i will make it happen at some point. for sure.

...

when i say to my iranian friends that my spiritual life is lacking in the US, they are usually surprised. at best they are skeptical, and at worst they are scornful. my spiritual life is lacking none the less. and for someone who is not religious nor spiritual, this might sound strange.

it isn't that i used to feel a connection with a larger entity and now i have lost that. no, i have not been a believer since i was an adult. but i was connected to something important and that was the eastern philosophy. it is hard to explain how that used to get translated into my everyday life, but it was a huge part of my life. from the Hafiz poems my father recited at every occasion, to conversations about the nature of love, human values, and the purpose of life, i was absorbed in spirituality in my everyday life.

it's not that i don't get into meaningful conversations anymore. i do. i talk about politics, economics and even relationships all the time. but these conversations are all outward-looking as opposed to the ones i mentioned. i realize that this is probably a function of age as well. i was in my early 20s when i left iran, and naturally, much more in search of a meaning for my life. now, i just understand life better and i know myself better, so maybe i am not as curious about the philosophical issues as much. but i still miss all of that.

nostalgia?

I'm thinking about my father. maybe because i am going home. or maybe i am completing the process of grief. it occurred to me a few days ago that i will never see him again, ever. you might think this has occurred to me before, when he died about 1.5 years ago. it did, but it never felt this way. the way it felt back then was very sad. when i thought about his death, i used to think about the process of dying. what was he thinking when he took the last breath? did he know he was dying? did he think about me, my mom and my sister? or was he clueless?

the way i thought about his death yesterday was different though. it was more than just him dying. it was about him not being there: not being able to see my life taking place. not being able to participate in it.

i miss him. and every time i think about him, i immediately think about my mom. what if she dies? how would i be able to live with that? and i know i will, and thank god for humans' capability of adapting.

but adapting is sad. sometimes you just wish you didn't have to adapt.

i'm travelling home this week. it is always emotional and conflicting. it makes me the happiest and saddest person i ever am.

on the bright side, i get to see people i love and eat delicious food. i am thankful for small pleasures in life.

dream of freedom

I am listening to the radio and two foreign policy experts are talking about the Iran's green movement. the guy mentions that the green movement in iran does not have the support of the majority. that most people in iran want an islamic republic, in the current or a reformed shape.

my first reaction is that you obviously don't know anything about iran. but then i think about something that i have thought about time and time again: how much do i know about iran? how homogeneous is iran?

i obviously lived a sheltered life. i was the daughter of an intellectual secular family with an almost western upbringing. it's not that we were rich, or poor for that matter, but we were different from many people. for one, we were non-religious and untraditional. my father was a feminist in his words and a socialist in my view. our family friends were of our type. they were educated, non-religious, political and open minded. even when i was in iran it was obvious to me that we are different. i took pride in our being different. i saw my family and myself as rebels against the authority of this regime.

but did i learn nothing about other people? i mean i went to school and worked with all sorts of people. true, i tried to stay away from the ones that had too different of ideologies, but i had friends from all sorts of families. i worked in a rural area of iran for about 1.5 years and i travelled a little. did i not learn anything about iran? i don't believe i didn't.

yes, iranians are not all like my family. they are religious, judgmental and strict in their world views, but most of them are sick of the islamic republic. the cab drivers and passengers alike blame the government for their misfortunes. unemployment is a bitch and inflation is eye-popping. there is no certainty in the future and tension is high. people are angry and tired. they don't know how they will be able to afford the cost of living. they see the theft and experience corruption first hand. they feel stifled and tired. they want freedom. and i believe that they are wiling to pay high prices for that dream. the dream of a democracy, where oil money is put to good use and the future is bright and clear. where abuse is justly punished and the criminals are brought to justice. we have not and will never forget the cruelty of this regime. we want peace, justice and freedom. and i believe in it when i say "we".

happiness

a professor was giving a talk about happiness. she was listing the happiest con tries of the world and the reasons behind their satisfaction. the happiest country in the world was listed as Denmark.


my first response was: "sure, it's obvious. they are wealthy, educated and healthy. and they have a socialistic country that takes care of them when they need it." but then she compared other countries with similar characteristics. Germany, France, Italy, Sweden, Switzerland, etc.


it turned out, the most important factor determining happiness is expectations. apparently Danish have low expectations of life. they don't expect to have huge amounts of money, extraordinary careers, big houses or luxury cars. in fact, every year they are pleasantly surprised that the state of affairs in Denmark is not completely rotten.


now, think about that for a second. i had to pause and reflect on it for a few days. this is huge. this is telling me that the lower i expect from life, the happier i am. (assuming basic levels of well being). completely counter intuitive, right? maybe.

it made me think about my relationships. does that mean the happiest relationships are the ones that the couple have the lowest expectations from each other? does that mean not having standards make you happy? if you are a beer snob like me, you get annoyed when all is available is budlight. but if you have low expectations, you can't be disappointed.


i have to say, i am conflicted by this. if in search of quality we lose happiness, do we want to pause and lower our expectations? or do we want to accept that we just can't be the happiest people because we can't have low standards. how much control do we really have in setting expectations?

i haven't written for a long long time. in fact, i have not had enough time to reflect on myself. i was too busy managing the events of the outside world that i nearly lost where i am in the journey of life. this all sounds too philosophical and i am a fairly simple person, but there is some truth to it.

when you see yourself with the eyes of the outside world, your view of yourself becomes very narrow. in the past few months i was focused on finding a job. and finding a job requires me to look at myself from the employer's prespective.

this is truly the first time i have ever looked for a job. in the past, the job has always came to me either because i was a good engineer or because i knew the right people. but this time, i was not good at the job i wanted to take: i have never done it before. and i didn't know anyone. let alone anyone that actually mattered. so convincing people that they should offer me a job was a task that was a bit beyond me. now, it's true that i am in an mba program and we, mba students, tend to think that we can do just about any job and be good at it. i can't say that i fully believed that, but i am convinced that i'm smart enough to learn just about anything in a short time.

the interviews were very different depending on the company and the function. in many of the interviews, the interviewer just asked many arbitrary questions and gave me some business cases to solve. i didn't get my dream job, which was only my dream job because the company is very high profile. but i got a job that i feel good about. and the reason i feel good about it is that i think people in this company took time to get to know me. the interviewer asked me about my upbringing in iran, about my transition after immigration and about what interests me in the business world. i really appreciated that he is curious about me, and not only about what i have prepared to say.


well, long story short, i took the job and i will be spending all of the next summer at a job i know nothing about. but i anticipate it to be a good experience. a learning experience that pays. so i am happy right now and i get to spend this semester doing whatever i want. i get to be curious without worrying about getting a job.

i am happy even though it's winter. and winter always wears on me. i also started rock climbing again which is just awesome.