I'm thinking about my father. maybe because i am going home. or maybe i am completing the process of grief. it occurred to me a few days ago that i will never see him again, ever. you might think this has occurred to me before, when he died about 1.5 years ago. it did, but it never felt this way. the way it felt back then was very sad. when i thought about his death, i used to think about the process of dying. what was he thinking when he took the last breath? did he know he was dying? did he think about me, my mom and my sister? or was he clueless?
the way i thought about his death yesterday was different though. it was more than just him dying. it was about him not being there: not being able to see my life taking place. not being able to participate in it.
i miss him. and every time i think about him, i immediately think about my mom. what if she dies? how would i be able to live with that? and i know i will, and thank god for humans' capability of adapting.
but adapting is sad. sometimes you just wish you didn't have to adapt.
i'm travelling home this week. it is always emotional and conflicting. it makes me the happiest and saddest person i ever am.
on the bright side, i get to see people i love and eat delicious food. i am thankful for small pleasures in life.
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There is one think that remains after death: it is what a person leaves behind in the memories of friends and relatives. This is the only chance to gain immortality. I am sure your dad's last minutes were enlighted, because he knew that you will always keep the memory of him alive (and even write about him in your blog in very vivid colours!!).
ReplyDeleteI think it is good to understand that only this can ensure that something like a "soul" stays alive after death, rather than endless prayers in the church or donations to religious cheaters or martyr's death in the name of allah.
Hi justnotes,
ReplyDeleteThis song by Nat King Cole, that after his death was sung again by his daughter Natalie illustrates better than a thousands of words what I wanted to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GVKbhYrcGM
In this special performance the two even form a post-mortem duett, with the father re-appearing play-back from the screen and Nathalie performing life on stage. This gives the song "UNFORGETABLE" a completely new meaning, very much what you wrote about your dad.
Adapting is hard, so hard , i know:((
ReplyDelete