grief

i wonder if grief is the same for everyone. i forget about my dad's passing a lot of times. it has been 45 days and it is easier than it was before. but even then, even when i went home for the funeral, i forgot about it every now and then. i would wake up in the morning, thinking about so many other things. and then it would hit me. as if for the first time: he was gone. gone. just like that.

i don't know how i am dealing with this. i am doing ok, i work, i play, i go out, i love people, and i plan for the future. but i feel like there is a hole somewhere. like when you warm up your apartment but you feel a draft that you can't find where it is coming from. i feel like i have lost some of my balance, some of my support, a part of me, a part of my strength, my sanity...

i don't want to think about it. i do all i can not to think about it. i watch all the stupid tv shows, i do not look at the old pictures, i exhaust myself at work... i don't let my mind wander. i hardly want to write about it. but my mind is not being deceived. i have dreams. i have all sorts of dreams about him, all the time. the harder i try not to think about it, the more frequently the dreams occur. there are good dreams and bad dreams. there are sad ones and happy ones. but there are there.

i can't control the dreams. sometimes i don't even want to. they are my connection to a world with him. a world that doesn't exist when i am awake. the world that will never exist. and i miss that future. i miss all of what is not going to ever happen.

i miss my dad.