"ta'rof"

in iran if you see some one is wearing something nice and you want to comment on it, you say:

-nice dress
-that shirt looks good on you
-you look nice in those pants, or
-your bag is pretty

but you never say "i like your sweater". i guess because in the "ta'rofi" culture of iran, if you say "i like..." you would make the person feel slightly uncomfortable, almost feeling obligated to give what they are wearing to you. i know it doesn't make much sense and if you actually said "i like your bag" they would probably loosely offer it to you it and you would politely refuse. but the whole idea that you might feel even slightly obligated to give the next person what they like on you, is kind of ridiculous even to me.

on the other hand, if i am eating something while i'm sitting with other people, and i don't offer to them to have a piece of that, i feel rude. these two things are in nature similar. your possession (food, clothes or etc.) is essentially yours and you are the only one who has the right to use it, because you probably earned it. in american culture, you see plenty times that people eat and don't offer you to share with them, some times even if you are their guest and staying at their place...

i appreciate the hospitality of the iranian culture. i appreciate it that when you have a guest you make them feel very much at home. you give them the best place at the table or to sleep and you share with them your best food, drinks and even clothes. this might sound excessive but i understand it. i feel like i want my guests to have the best of what i got. i like them to feel like i really am happy about them being there with me, at my home. unless of course they over-stay their welcome or are too demanding...

there are so many things i love about the individualistic american culture. and there are so many things i love about the more socially minded iranian culture. and i wish to mix these two and have something in the middle. i don't think these two are mutually exclusive.


ps- mutually exclusive is probably one of my top-5 favorite words.