it's weird to think about home. there are all these familiar things that i know and i'm craving for. and there are all the familiar things that i am not looking forward to. and then there are familiar people who might be very unfamiliar now. five years is a while; they might have changed a lot, or i might have changed a lot...i know i have changed a lot, but in my core, deep down, am i not the same person? or that doesn't even matter?

P is excited for going back home too. she is also nervous. she hasn't been back for about 2.5 years. she has weird dreams every couple of nights and is losing sleep. i guess i feel the same way. maybe not as much but that's probably because i have lived with this for a longer time than she has. and maybe because i have a stable life to get back to, and she is going to be gradualting and she doesn't have a job yet.

it's economic crisis. i should be worried about my job, especially because my immigration status depends on my job. but i am not worried about it, after all, what can i do really?

gradually, i'm learning to take life as it comes. sometimes this means giving up, being soft, not fighting for the ideal. but sometimes, it is the right move. the move that keeps you insane and calm. i am seeking calm, i am always seeking calm. but usually in my life, the calm only comes after the storm...