busy goodness

school is mad busy. i don't have much time to catch my breath. but it's the most exciting period of my life (maybe after the first time i was in love). i feel like a world of opportunities has opened in front of me. i feel like i am growing as a person and as a student. i do well in tests, i build good relationships, and although it is crazy, i am on top of it. being on top of it all is something i didn't expect from myself. also, i feel like i'm much more of a people's person that i used to think. this is such a steep learning curve that it might knock me out of the game. but let's hope not!

i love every minute of this. even though i don't get more than 5 hours of sleep every night

school

i knew i was going to be busy at school. but this busy, i never thought. i don't think i have ever been busier than this in my life! between studying finance, accounting, micro economics, strategy, and then preparing for recruiting, i hardly have enough time to sleep. i think my average sleep hours reduced to about 6 hours a night. it's as if i have a really demanding job already. oh boy!

enough bitching. school is great. i meet a ton of people every day and i get to learn about the companies, the markets, economies, people, and everything else. it's such an exciting opportunity.

gotta love business school! (and i do)

i'm all settled in my new brooklyn apartment. and it's been great so far. i love my room: it's big, and there is a dent with a desk that i could use as an study room. i have five windows which i absolutely love! i get both morning and afternoon light, something that i lacked all these years in my manhattan apartments. and being on the forth floor, in a residential neighbourhood with short buldings, grants me the refreshing late-summer breeze.

i don't know all-settled is a good word because i still need to buy a bed and a dresser and curtains and other stuff. but i feel like i am settled. i feel, once again, that i have a welcoming home to come to after a crazy day out there. as much as i love new york, living here is sometimes exhausting.

the school has started and i am meeting new people every day. i have about 400 class mates who are fascinating me. there are people from every background and every part of this world. and most of them are just really nice and friendly. there are of course the usual nut cases and arrogant guys and princess-like girls too. but that is a given. hanging out and making small talk is a little emotionally draining some times. i am one of those people who prefers to have one close friend than a few acquaintances. but in the past few years, i have realized that i should be more flexible. a couple of my really good friends have left new york, and i have felt the void of not having more friends. so this time, i will try to stay in touch with more people and hang out with them more often.

......

i just finished reading 1984. and it freaked me out from time to time. it was unsettling how relevant it was to what is happening in iran. and in other parts of the world too, but iran is a more tangible case for me. it reminded me of all the values that the islamic republic was trying to implant in out heads when we were little girls. the religous ceremony at the age of 9 to celebarate or woman-hood. the guilt from feeling excited about guys, and the shame and fear of having sex for the first time.

the book is just so real and alive, that makes me feel very pessimistic about the future of this world. will it always be the same? will there always be people from this or that country who live under a dictatorship? it has always been the case, so what guarantees that it will stop?

and yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, i know that it will be different in the future. it will be better. it has to be better.

thailand et all...

And a post from 2010 that I never published: 

someone once warned me about getting used to living alone: "it's a habit that is very hard to kick". sometimes when people are in my space and i feel uncomfortable, i do see his point. but in times like this, when i am sitting alone at a hotel room in bangkok after spending the past 10 days with my mom and sister, i think that i will never get used to living alone. living so far away.

bangkok is the definition of hustle and bustle. the city is crowded and loud. there are carts selling random stuff in every sidewalk in every street. traffic is pretty bad and people have not so much regard for your personal space. the smell of food is abundant and it even smells spicy. when we arrived here, i avoided street food like cholera. but the past two days i figured that i don't want to be missing out on anything and i went all out.

the curries are so hot that my mouth would become numb after the first few bites. but there is also non-spicy bbq sea food which was my sister's favorite. the fish was stuffed with herbs, covered with sea salt and grilled on charcoal grills. papaya salad was covered with chili peppers and included those little dried shrimps.

there are buddhas everywhere. and i don't mean only in those large colorful temples with big big buddahs. there is a miniature temple at every corner, in every shopping mall and every hotel. passerbys bow for a second and pay their respect before they continue on their way. and some leave beautiful yellow flowers. somehow buddhism looks like a very laid back kind of a religion. they don't look like they need to convert everyone by telling them what happens when one dies if she doesn't join the masses. but it's quite possible that i don't know enough about the religion and i am just making this up.

but if buddhism is a way of life in thailand, i suppose it is working. i can't say that people are living a good life. poverty is apparent in every street corner. but aggression is curiously absent. there are smiles and inviting faces. everyone is trying to sell you what they are selling for three times as much as they should, but at least they do that in a way that you feel good about it. and about yourself.

back an apartment hunting

i'm back in New York again. it's been a while. this morning i was driving in from new jersey and i glanced over and saw the skyline of Manhattan. my heart was filled with joy for a second. i have lived in this city for more than 4 years, but i seriously get excited each time i come back to it. i heart New York, i suppose.


so, now i am apartment hunting again. i have no idea how many times i have moved in the past 6 years, but i'm pretty sure it's more than 6 times. being a nomad for the summer was so much fun (and i saved plenty), but finding an apartment in the city is a real pain in the ass.

i am planning on moving to Brooklyn this time, because i simply can't afford the village, and i have exhausted living in Harlem. there was a point that i was really excited about living in Harlem, but for now, i'm done with it. i want to try a new neighbourhood, and Brooklyn is so much fun (well, parts of it are).

i have sent about 20 emails and so far have gotten one reply back! maybe i just don't sound friendly enough on my emails, or maybe it's my name (the only person who responded was a Palestinian girl, go figure). but who knows, it might just be the new york housing market. there are always a ton of people looking for rooms. you would think that a ton of people are moving out of their apartments too, but i'm not sure how that works. at the end of the day, the demand is high, the prices are jacked, and i am a broke student. but i have done this way too many times before and i refuse to be discouraged. i will keep sending emails.

30 years old
jobless
homeless
and damn happy

who would think so?

Happy birthday to me!

expectations will haunt you down

you have been waiting for it to happen for a long time
you have been dreaming of the day it happens
and it's always been peachy and creamy in your dreams
...
and the day it happens, a cold sunday afternoon in May,
is nothing close to peachy
in fact,
it doesn't even feel like this is what you have been waiting for

last few hours

The last day of the job is exciting and unsettling. I have spent many hours at this desk in the past four years; productive hours and not-so-productive ones. I have gone through many emotions and moods. I have loved the job, been frustrated, and been ambivalent. I have felt lucky working with these people, and I have been very annoyed at times.

I have always dreamt of leaving the job. I have imagined the joy and freedom of leaving this job. I have imagined that I would miss these people.

… and the moment of truth is upon me. Today is the last day of my job, and I have all those feelings. I regret my decision, I rejoice, I obsess, I already miss people, I worry, and above all, I feel ready. As if my arms are open to embrace the next stage of my life: stepping out of my comfort zone, learning new things, meeting new people, and hopefully, more happiness.

These last hours are oddly enough, a little excruciating. I feel like I want it to be done already, i just want to get out of here.

When Oklahoma penetrates into your belly

there is a new abortion law in Oklahoma requiring women who seek abortion to undergo an ultrasound, and listen to the fetus's heartbeat. there is no exceptions for rape or incest victims. based on this blurb, the law has no effect on the decision at the end. basically, this is a way of making your life even more difficult when you are making an already difficult decision. my problem with such a law is that it indirectly romantisizes the decision making process. that somehow the woman who seeks abortion is making a completely emotional decision, and since women are easily manipulated, a look at the fetus will change their minds. if only, the women realize that the fetus's heart is beating, presumably like theirs, they will make the humane decision,

now, i am very opinionated about a lot of things, but i don't know which way to go about abortion. i don't think abortion is right or wrong. to me, it is a personal decision, and a difficult one. maybe you should take a responsibility of your actions, and have the baby anyways, and try your best to raise her (assuming the pregnancy was a result of a careless accident). or maybe it's unfair to a kid to be raised in a situation where she can't have the basics, like the love of the parents. i don't know... but assuming that the women, or the couple, making that decision, are so naive that they have never thought about the shape of a fetus, is really insulting. and it invades people's privacy. why do people think that they can make a better decision that me about my fetus?

it's liberating when you stop belong to your past. it breaks your heart too.



in the early years of immigration, i tried to adopt to my new home as best as i could. i tried to move on from the past, to build a new life. i wouldn't allow myself to visit my memories. like a photo album in a drawer, that you pull out only once in a while, i burried all of my memories somewhere in the deep corners of my mind. i detached myself from all those familiar faces and places. i did what i had to do to survive, to move on, to build something anew. i was going for a" global resident", a new identity.



and i succeeded almost perfectly. i feel more at home in new york city than i feel in tehran. i have an american boyfriend, i even write my diary in english.



but i am obviously not an american. i don't like the smell of bacon, and the idea of owning a gun turns my stomach. a big house in the suburb is far from my dream home, and i still have my accent.


i have stopped belonging to iran. but i don't belong here either. i can't say that i mind this identity limbo. i like the utter freedom it presents me with. and i like to pick and choose. i might not like bacon, but i love grilling burgers. and i do like being a permanent resident; the lines at the airport are much shorter.



but i don't mind it. after all, this is the freedom that i have been seeking.

it's almost spring. i'm going home again, like i did last year. i'm going to spend the new year in tehran, see all the people i love, eat all the foods i enjoy, and be surrounded by joyful moments. but i also have to face a loss. a special person who isn't there anymore, and whose memories will be with me for every second of every day.

i'm excited for the new year, and i can't wait to see my loved ones. after dad's death, i realized that life is short. really short. and i need to take advantage of all the moments i spend with those i love. i feel so lucky to have so many beautiful people around me. they keep me grounded, and they get me through the gloomy and grey days of winter.

it's spring again. time to restart, and to overcome the sadness. there is whole new year ahead of me. much to see, learn, and love.

i can't wait to get on that airplane.

nostalgia

i was thinking about childhood the other day, and about dad, inevitably. i realized his death was the permanent end of my childhood; the point of no return. obviously the real point of no return was a long time ago, but it never occurred to me that way. at the back of my mind, there was always a possibility, a flickering light, that i could go back to those carefree days. the days when i could hold dad's hands and be worry-free. the days when someone else was taking care of me... and those days are gone, forever. not that i am saddened by the end of childhood. but in a way i am nostalgic for it. the thought caught me by surprise. i feel the weight of this reality on my shoulders. it is like i am mourning for the death of my childhood, along with my father's death...

i miss my childhood. i miss my dad.

and i miss home.

fear

there is a fear that makes you more cautious. then there is a fear that almost numbs your brain. the fear itself makes what you are afraid of, inevitable.

i wish i could stare the fear in the face and do what i need to do. knowing that if what i'm afraid of happens, i will be alright... i wish i believed i will be alright. that i could be happy again, even if the unfortunate happens...

i miss living close to my family. they gave me courage...now, i am a lot more fearful. as if i am still a child who feels helpless when left alone in the big world, among strangers.