freinds are not forever...

i miss N. it's not like i miss her so much that i want to see her right now...no, i miss her being my friend. we are not unfriendly, but we are not really friends anymore. obviously living in two different countries doesn't help. but that's not all. Sh and I are still good friends even though i didn't see her for 5 years. we are close; we click the second we see each other, we have things to say to each other; we talk about our feelings, things that happened to us, our plans, our insecurities, people around us, the past, the future...we are close, even though we don't really communicate all that much. the last time i saw her, she was still my best friend.



not the same with N; we grew up together, we spent numerous days and nights playing, camping, hanging out...we spent many many hours together, and we did feel close. i am sure at some point we were best friends. but for the past few years we were not. it started right before i moved out of the country, and went on... it was probably my fault, i was being too harsh on her at one point, maybe too judgemental...but i really wanted the best for her. it was my intention to protect her; it was obvious to me that she was making a mistake that will have a big impact on her life. i wanted the best for her, but i didn't know how to convey that.

it is never a good idea to try to tell people that they are making a mistake, or to tell them what they should do; they will never listen and you will never become a hero. at best, you hurt their feelings and they get over it. at worst, they never get over it and you lose a friend.

but i wonder if i should withhold my opinion about something my best friend is doing. should i hide what i think? maybe...but i'm not sure if that's what i want to do. if i was doing something wrong, i would appreciate people telling me so. but there should exist a middle ground. i guess in the end, every one should be able to do what they want to do. and in the end, i should be good enough of a friend to respect their decision. i just wish i was not so self righteous, and they were not so sensitive. i can't afford to lose my friends to my being opiniated...


still, some friends are forever...

somehow it's so hard to be chill these days. i think it has mostly to do with my job than anything else. i am usually a lot happier in summer time, but this summer all i can think about is that i have not much to do at work, and i migth get laid off any minute, and that i have less money than last year with a more expensive apartment.

i should snap out of this self-pity cycle...it's not like i can do much about the job thing. economy is terrible and 10% of people don't have any job, so i guess i should rejoice in just having one, even when it pays less. but somehow, that's not what my brain is fixed on.

and then there are my friends. my close friends have left the city and i feel like i need to have more close friends. and i have no idea how to go about this. sometimes i wish i was more independent, so i would need no one. but that's just not who i am. before, i always had a lot of people to choose from. there have always been more people whom i thought i could be close friends with. but that's just not the case anymore. it might be because i am more judgemental of people...or that people my age are mostly married or occupied otherwise. and then again, i am always going to be a foreigner...i should probably get over it. as long as i am moping, i will be unpleasant.

there are important things happening in this world and in my country specifically. i feel bad that i make a big deal of my little problems. but at the same time, this is a more tangible part of my life...

i hope these days are over soon.