dwelling over the past

i remember that the first time we talked about relationships and that one might get involved emotionally and sexually with other people, i totally freaked out. i was not able to sleep for a couple of nights. i even almost left him; to me that was unbearable, i could not imagine such a thing. i was 20 years old and i've always been opinionated. i was not very experienced at all...

it was only less than three years later that it happened...i fell for someone else while i was still in love with him. i've never been so confused in my whole life, not even when i immigrated to another country. i was sexually drawn to the other guy like a maniac and so emotionally attached to him that my life was meaningless without his presence. i couldn't understand how some one can love two people at the same time: a love so different and so similar at the same time. i could not make a decision. i couldn't say no to the sexual experience that was like nothing before; he made me feel alive. before i go see him, my blood would pump faster than ever; the anticipation of being touched would make me run from the cab to his door. he helped me enter the realm of womanhood. and i couldn't say no to a love that was such a big part of my identity. he had helped me become an adult, he had helped me to free myself from the dogmatism that surrounded me. he made me a better me.

and then he showed me how he meant what he said that night...i almost didn't believe it's possible...he thought me to be myself, to be free, and to do what i believe is right. i will always, always love him for that. how can i not?