nostalgia?

I'm thinking about my father. maybe because i am going home. or maybe i am completing the process of grief. it occurred to me a few days ago that i will never see him again, ever. you might think this has occurred to me before, when he died about 1.5 years ago. it did, but it never felt this way. the way it felt back then was very sad. when i thought about his death, i used to think about the process of dying. what was he thinking when he took the last breath? did he know he was dying? did he think about me, my mom and my sister? or was he clueless?

the way i thought about his death yesterday was different though. it was more than just him dying. it was about him not being there: not being able to see my life taking place. not being able to participate in it.

i miss him. and every time i think about him, i immediately think about my mom. what if she dies? how would i be able to live with that? and i know i will, and thank god for humans' capability of adapting.

but adapting is sad. sometimes you just wish you didn't have to adapt.

i'm travelling home this week. it is always emotional and conflicting. it makes me the happiest and saddest person i ever am.

on the bright side, i get to see people i love and eat delicious food. i am thankful for small pleasures in life.