i'm all settled in my new brooklyn apartment. and it's been great so far. i love my room: it's big, and there is a dent with a desk that i could use as an study room. i have five windows which i absolutely love! i get both morning and afternoon light, something that i lacked all these years in my manhattan apartments. and being on the forth floor, in a residential neighbourhood with short buldings, grants me the refreshing late-summer breeze.

i don't know all-settled is a good word because i still need to buy a bed and a dresser and curtains and other stuff. but i feel like i am settled. i feel, once again, that i have a welcoming home to come to after a crazy day out there. as much as i love new york, living here is sometimes exhausting.

the school has started and i am meeting new people every day. i have about 400 class mates who are fascinating me. there are people from every background and every part of this world. and most of them are just really nice and friendly. there are of course the usual nut cases and arrogant guys and princess-like girls too. but that is a given. hanging out and making small talk is a little emotionally draining some times. i am one of those people who prefers to have one close friend than a few acquaintances. but in the past few years, i have realized that i should be more flexible. a couple of my really good friends have left new york, and i have felt the void of not having more friends. so this time, i will try to stay in touch with more people and hang out with them more often.

......

i just finished reading 1984. and it freaked me out from time to time. it was unsettling how relevant it was to what is happening in iran. and in other parts of the world too, but iran is a more tangible case for me. it reminded me of all the values that the islamic republic was trying to implant in out heads when we were little girls. the religous ceremony at the age of 9 to celebarate or woman-hood. the guilt from feeling excited about guys, and the shame and fear of having sex for the first time.

the book is just so real and alive, that makes me feel very pessimistic about the future of this world. will it always be the same? will there always be people from this or that country who live under a dictatorship? it has always been the case, so what guarantees that it will stop?

and yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, i know that it will be different in the future. it will be better. it has to be better.

thailand et all...

And a post from 2010 that I never published: 

someone once warned me about getting used to living alone: "it's a habit that is very hard to kick". sometimes when people are in my space and i feel uncomfortable, i do see his point. but in times like this, when i am sitting alone at a hotel room in bangkok after spending the past 10 days with my mom and sister, i think that i will never get used to living alone. living so far away.

bangkok is the definition of hustle and bustle. the city is crowded and loud. there are carts selling random stuff in every sidewalk in every street. traffic is pretty bad and people have not so much regard for your personal space. the smell of food is abundant and it even smells spicy. when we arrived here, i avoided street food like cholera. but the past two days i figured that i don't want to be missing out on anything and i went all out.

the curries are so hot that my mouth would become numb after the first few bites. but there is also non-spicy bbq sea food which was my sister's favorite. the fish was stuffed with herbs, covered with sea salt and grilled on charcoal grills. papaya salad was covered with chili peppers and included those little dried shrimps.

there are buddhas everywhere. and i don't mean only in those large colorful temples with big big buddahs. there is a miniature temple at every corner, in every shopping mall and every hotel. passerbys bow for a second and pay their respect before they continue on their way. and some leave beautiful yellow flowers. somehow buddhism looks like a very laid back kind of a religion. they don't look like they need to convert everyone by telling them what happens when one dies if she doesn't join the masses. but it's quite possible that i don't know enough about the religion and i am just making this up.

but if buddhism is a way of life in thailand, i suppose it is working. i can't say that people are living a good life. poverty is apparent in every street corner. but aggression is curiously absent. there are smiles and inviting faces. everyone is trying to sell you what they are selling for three times as much as they should, but at least they do that in a way that you feel good about it. and about yourself.