When Oklahoma penetrates into your belly

there is a new abortion law in Oklahoma requiring women who seek abortion to undergo an ultrasound, and listen to the fetus's heartbeat. there is no exceptions for rape or incest victims. based on this blurb, the law has no effect on the decision at the end. basically, this is a way of making your life even more difficult when you are making an already difficult decision. my problem with such a law is that it indirectly romantisizes the decision making process. that somehow the woman who seeks abortion is making a completely emotional decision, and since women are easily manipulated, a look at the fetus will change their minds. if only, the women realize that the fetus's heart is beating, presumably like theirs, they will make the humane decision,

now, i am very opinionated about a lot of things, but i don't know which way to go about abortion. i don't think abortion is right or wrong. to me, it is a personal decision, and a difficult one. maybe you should take a responsibility of your actions, and have the baby anyways, and try your best to raise her (assuming the pregnancy was a result of a careless accident). or maybe it's unfair to a kid to be raised in a situation where she can't have the basics, like the love of the parents. i don't know... but assuming that the women, or the couple, making that decision, are so naive that they have never thought about the shape of a fetus, is really insulting. and it invades people's privacy. why do people think that they can make a better decision that me about my fetus?

it's liberating when you stop belong to your past. it breaks your heart too.



in the early years of immigration, i tried to adopt to my new home as best as i could. i tried to move on from the past, to build a new life. i wouldn't allow myself to visit my memories. like a photo album in a drawer, that you pull out only once in a while, i burried all of my memories somewhere in the deep corners of my mind. i detached myself from all those familiar faces and places. i did what i had to do to survive, to move on, to build something anew. i was going for a" global resident", a new identity.



and i succeeded almost perfectly. i feel more at home in new york city than i feel in tehran. i have an american boyfriend, i even write my diary in english.



but i am obviously not an american. i don't like the smell of bacon, and the idea of owning a gun turns my stomach. a big house in the suburb is far from my dream home, and i still have my accent.


i have stopped belonging to iran. but i don't belong here either. i can't say that i mind this identity limbo. i like the utter freedom it presents me with. and i like to pick and choose. i might not like bacon, but i love grilling burgers. and i do like being a permanent resident; the lines at the airport are much shorter.



but i don't mind it. after all, this is the freedom that i have been seeking.

it's almost spring. i'm going home again, like i did last year. i'm going to spend the new year in tehran, see all the people i love, eat all the foods i enjoy, and be surrounded by joyful moments. but i also have to face a loss. a special person who isn't there anymore, and whose memories will be with me for every second of every day.

i'm excited for the new year, and i can't wait to see my loved ones. after dad's death, i realized that life is short. really short. and i need to take advantage of all the moments i spend with those i love. i feel so lucky to have so many beautiful people around me. they keep me grounded, and they get me through the gloomy and grey days of winter.

it's spring again. time to restart, and to overcome the sadness. there is whole new year ahead of me. much to see, learn, and love.

i can't wait to get on that airplane.

nostalgia

i was thinking about childhood the other day, and about dad, inevitably. i realized his death was the permanent end of my childhood; the point of no return. obviously the real point of no return was a long time ago, but it never occurred to me that way. at the back of my mind, there was always a possibility, a flickering light, that i could go back to those carefree days. the days when i could hold dad's hands and be worry-free. the days when someone else was taking care of me... and those days are gone, forever. not that i am saddened by the end of childhood. but in a way i am nostalgic for it. the thought caught me by surprise. i feel the weight of this reality on my shoulders. it is like i am mourning for the death of my childhood, along with my father's death...

i miss my childhood. i miss my dad.

and i miss home.

fear

there is a fear that makes you more cautious. then there is a fear that almost numbs your brain. the fear itself makes what you are afraid of, inevitable.

i wish i could stare the fear in the face and do what i need to do. knowing that if what i'm afraid of happens, i will be alright... i wish i believed i will be alright. that i could be happy again, even if the unfortunate happens...

i miss living close to my family. they gave me courage...now, i am a lot more fearful. as if i am still a child who feels helpless when left alone in the big world, among strangers.

name changing and engagement rings

This is an old article, but it is intersting.

At some point the author says:

"Interestingly, over the past 10 years fewer and fewer women have kept their maiden names. According to a recent study by Harvard economics professor Claudia Goldin, based on Massachusetts birth records, the number of college-educated women in their 30s keeping their name has dropped from 23 percent in 1990 to 17 percent in 2000.* Goldin suggests that this may be because we are moving toward a more conservative view of marriage. Perhaps. But it may also be that the maiden name is no longer a fraught political issue. These days, no one is shocked when an independent-minded woman takes her husband's name, any more than one is shocked when she announces that she is staying at home with her kids. Today, the decision is one of convenience, of a kind of luxury—which name do you like the sound of? What do you feel like doing? The politics are almost incidental. Our fundamental independence is not so imperiled that we need to keep our names. The statement has, thanks to a more dogmatic generation, been made. Now we dabble in the traditional. We cobble together names. At this point—apologies to Lucy Stone, and her pioneering work in name keeping—our attitude is: Whatever works."

I find this way of thinking very unfortunate. The idea that we are past the point that feminism is only a matter of taste, is not only untrue, but also backwards. Just because we are not obliged to change our last names it doesn't make the matter unimportant. True, if this was the law, it would be a very different matter altogether and we, as women, would have to put effort and energy to change that law.

But principles matters as well. My last name is a part of my identity. I don't dwell on the fact that my last name is my father's (as opposed to my mom's), but I have lived with it for the past 30 years and it is mine now. I find it insulting to change my last name because it's what my spouse wants, or because it is convenient. It would be also convenient if I married a rich man when I was 20 years old and I never worked. It would also be convenient if I lived off of my parents money, or got my rich boyfriends to buy me expensive gifts. But i find all of those an insult to my personality and independence. And I do not choose to do something for the mere fact that's convenient.

The author also mentions "These days, no one is shocked ...when she announces that she is staying at home with her kids. "

When in the history people were shocked at the idea of a stay at home mom? Is this what we are championing for women these days? That the days of fighting for your rights is over, so now you can sit back and relax and roll back to your role as a traditional mother and wife, and never worry about the unequal sex laws.

Good thing that women who do not think that way are plenty.

This was a comment from one reader that I found close to what I think:

"Don't give me the argument that everyone in your family should have one name. In that case, why doesn't the man change it? To the poster who talks about diamond rings -- I agree; it's hypocritical to live off your husband's wealth but pretend to be liberated. In my ideal world, women would not be changing their names, there would be no diamond rings on engagement (or both the man and the woman would wear rings bought for each other), there would be no down-on-one-knee proposals (not even for the sake of traditions), and there would be equal division of labor between the sexes in the home and the workplace. I wish that the progressive, smart, and educated women of our generation would start putting their feet down about these things. "

winter

it's cold again. in the past three or four years, i have become resentful of winter and the cold. i guess because i worked outside for most of the winter and i was never able to keep warm no mater how i dressed. the sinus headaches don't help either. i also cease to work out during winter because i like running and biking, but when it is below 45F, i can not even think of going for a run. so i basically hibernate during the winter.

but today when i was walking down the street along central park, for a minute i started to like winter. it was cold and windy, but the sun was shining. the trees, the beautiful tall trees of the park, had no leaves. they were grayish brown, but they were standing tall. i made me think maybe it's ok to stop growing for a little while. it's not such a bad thing to hibernate and prepare for a fresh start when spring comes.

i though maybe it's ok that i'm not reading as much as i like, and i'm not learning many new things. it's ok that i don't have a job i dream of, and i am still in a funk after my dad's death. it's ok not to be happy go lucky for a little while and let the winter take over. cause i am getting ready for a fresh start and i'm trying to gather some energy in my bones. i'm giving my head and my body a little rest before i take off again.

i think the tall trees of central park made me like the winter much better today.