an over-thinker's morning thoughts

i get to a point that i'm so mad at him that i just want to ignore him. i think about him vanishing from the picture and that doesn't bother me. i have all these imaginary discussions with him. i want him to be happy, but should i just give up? i mean i love him more than i think i do, but i am also resentful. he makes me feel so helpless that i just want to forget about him.

then again, feeling helpless is even worse that feeling nothing. it's destructive. i mean i can't make him happy, so by making myself unhappy i am just adding one unhappy person to this world. it's stupid. but i can't help it, it's unconscious. i have dreams of talking to him and seeing him happy and lively, and then i have dreams of him being so desperate and pitiful.

i know i think in circle sometimes and i know i always over think. but i really want him to be happy. why can't i make him happy? he is such a smart and good-hearted man. i wish he lived a happy life.

freinds are not forever...

i miss N. it's not like i miss her so much that i want to see her right now...no, i miss her being my friend. we are not unfriendly, but we are not really friends anymore. obviously living in two different countries doesn't help. but that's not all. Sh and I are still good friends even though i didn't see her for 5 years. we are close; we click the second we see each other, we have things to say to each other; we talk about our feelings, things that happened to us, our plans, our insecurities, people around us, the past, the future...we are close, even though we don't really communicate all that much. the last time i saw her, she was still my best friend.



not the same with N; we grew up together, we spent numerous days and nights playing, camping, hanging out...we spent many many hours together, and we did feel close. i am sure at some point we were best friends. but for the past few years we were not. it started right before i moved out of the country, and went on... it was probably my fault, i was being too harsh on her at one point, maybe too judgemental...but i really wanted the best for her. it was my intention to protect her; it was obvious to me that she was making a mistake that will have a big impact on her life. i wanted the best for her, but i didn't know how to convey that.

it is never a good idea to try to tell people that they are making a mistake, or to tell them what they should do; they will never listen and you will never become a hero. at best, you hurt their feelings and they get over it. at worst, they never get over it and you lose a friend.

but i wonder if i should withhold my opinion about something my best friend is doing. should i hide what i think? maybe...but i'm not sure if that's what i want to do. if i was doing something wrong, i would appreciate people telling me so. but there should exist a middle ground. i guess in the end, every one should be able to do what they want to do. and in the end, i should be good enough of a friend to respect their decision. i just wish i was not so self righteous, and they were not so sensitive. i can't afford to lose my friends to my being opiniated...


still, some friends are forever...

somehow it's so hard to be chill these days. i think it has mostly to do with my job than anything else. i am usually a lot happier in summer time, but this summer all i can think about is that i have not much to do at work, and i migth get laid off any minute, and that i have less money than last year with a more expensive apartment.

i should snap out of this self-pity cycle...it's not like i can do much about the job thing. economy is terrible and 10% of people don't have any job, so i guess i should rejoice in just having one, even when it pays less. but somehow, that's not what my brain is fixed on.

and then there are my friends. my close friends have left the city and i feel like i need to have more close friends. and i have no idea how to go about this. sometimes i wish i was more independent, so i would need no one. but that's just not who i am. before, i always had a lot of people to choose from. there have always been more people whom i thought i could be close friends with. but that's just not the case anymore. it might be because i am more judgemental of people...or that people my age are mostly married or occupied otherwise. and then again, i am always going to be a foreigner...i should probably get over it. as long as i am moping, i will be unpleasant.

there are important things happening in this world and in my country specifically. i feel bad that i make a big deal of my little problems. but at the same time, this is a more tangible part of my life...

i hope these days are over soon.

i am getting anxious, and losing hope. i see the videos from iran, posted online and ask myself "is it worth it?"...then again, what is worth more than freedom. isn't freedom what humanity has been seeking in the long history of our being? isn't the power to decide for your life what we all work for? we need to get back our basic rights, we need to teach a lesson to the oppressor. we need to be free...

i feel guilty and sad not being there, not being able to participate. on the other hand, my life has other issues here. every day i show up at work, i am thinking about the next round o lay-offs, about how i don't manage to save money anymore and about the chances that i get laid off without getting my green card. then i think about what people are putting up with in iran and i feel ashamed...it's kind of a vicious cycle.

i miss the fight for freedom. i hope my people could see the result of their courage.

i feel so restless. things are happening and i am far far away from the scene. from the excitement, the hope for a better day; and the rage, violence and the bitter taste of blood. i don't know if i should feel privileged or unfortunate. it is as if i am watching a film, a days-long film, a crazy brutal film, which is powerful and full of hope at the same time. i feel enraged, i feel happy, i feel concerned, i feel hopeful, i feel sad, i feel helpless, and mostly, i feel far far away from everything that is happening. and i wish i was there, in between people i love, fighting for freedom, fighting for better days, fighting in hope of better days, fighting for hope...

my heart is with you my dear iran.

books and flowers

i was doing some uninteresting cadd work and my mind was wondering around when suddenly i had this vivid image in my mind of these dried flowers that we used to keep in between the pages of books. there were tulip and violet and rose leaves. and sometimes we would accidentally open the books and the flowers would fall down, dancing in the air before they lay on the ground...for some reason that memory reminds me of my dad, when he was young, when i was a child and i used to love reading books. the books that he would buy me for my birthdays, for graduations, for any unimportant occasion..and there was always little snack in the gift wraps; a walnut, a piece of chocolate,...

i looked through my books this time when i went back to tehran. we kept all of my children books in a box in a closet. i browse through them, they were such interesting books. made me admire my parents for they had chosen those books with so much care. i can only hope i'd do the same for the next generation.

everyone is talking about the election. it's all over facebook. and i am reading articles online all the time. everyone is excited again. and some people have got carried away. like every other time...

i wish i was in iran somehow. that i could witness this passion. the passion for freedom. the passion for participating and decision making. the passion that might lead us to a better place. somewhere closer to the path to freedom.

let's hope so...